Mike Pence Is A Dork Who Won't Drink Without His Wife Around

I actually somehow knew this already, which is surprising because I don’t really know anything, but it’s going viral today so let’s talk about how Mike Pence is a dork.

In case you ever wondered if Mike Pence has even a single friend, there’s your answer. Imagine how every single conversation in his life has gone for the last, I don’t know, 50 years?

“Heyyyyyy Mikey my man, having some of the boys over for the big Hoosier game tonight. You down?”

“You know I hate when you call me Mikey. Will there be beer there?”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, man. Yeah. Yes. We’re gonna drink alcohol Mikey.”

“I can’t make it.”

Square city, population the dude who wants to have funerals for aborted fetuses.

I just can’t think of a bigger square move than refusing to be around booze unless your wife has a leash tied directly to your dick. Are you that sexually repressed that you worry if you sit down and have a nice steak with a woman, or if you drink a beer and there’s a chick in the same zip code, that you’ll immediately just start fucking? Go out with the boys every once in a while and show Mrs. Pence who wears the perfectly pleated and pressed pants in this bizarre family.

Everyone knows that you can’t trust a man who can’t trust himself and that’s Mike Pence to a T. Dude needs to keep everything locked up inside, with a warden wife standing at the gate, or he turns into Mr. Hyde.

What a goddamn nerd.